The New Jersey Senate run. Its previous incumbent emanated a fragrance called Eau de Secaucus. The guy who is not Frank Lautenberg is running purely on the platform that "I am not Bob Torricelli." Bianca Jagger, who once dated Torricelli, told us that. She took one look at him and said, "My God, he's definitely not Bob Torricelli."

The New Jersey Senate thing is a clear choice between some guy who is not Bob Torricelli - and he's no Sen. Kennedy either - and Frank Lautenberg who is no Brad Pitt.

We speak now of Minnesota which has resurrected Walter Mondale. Minnesota. Land of the free, home of the grave. Tapping Mondale reminds me of the widow and her elderly lover who were having no success the night they tried to make love. Finally, she said to him, "You can't think of anyone either?"

Actually, you can't not like Walter Mondale. And, say what you will, the man looks the same as he did 20 years ago but, then, so does a dollar bill.

And each candidate rails against Saddam Hussein. Listen, we don't need individuals to frighten us about weapons of mass destruction. The United States has its own weapons of mass destruction. It's called the Florida voting system. Dimpled chads. Crimpled votes. What can you say about Jeb Bush's state that hasn't already been said about hemorrhoids?

The president is on the road this weekend, hustling funds for Republicans. His goal is to help every state raise enough money to buy the same kind of voting machines Florida has.

New York. Pataki's chant of "Four more years . . . Four more years . . . " has resonated throughout the state. Even First Lady Libby, who took George's hand 'til death do us part, was heard saying that all she really wants is "four more years."

The good news: This politicking is soon over. Another day and no more will there be a rousing hand of indifference for Golisano. No more two-faced statements like Cuomo telling McCall: "You're twisted, you're stupid, you're stunted," and then, one week later, "But I like that in a person."

And gone will be their small debates and big hates and nasty speeches, ads, and bitter vitriol. The bad news: One of them gets elected.

At least we've learned one thing. The difference between the Democratic Party and the Titanic. The Titanic had a band.

But this is our blessed U.S.A. Let's all offer prayers of thanks that we live in this glorious country. OK, so we got some small problems. Like, take the West. The worst drought in years. Nebraska's so bad that the Red Cross sent out an urgent appeal for saliva donors. Montana is so dry, people no longer have water on the knee - just dust. Colorado? Ministers are baptizing parishioners with Gatorade.

Also, there were those killer tornadoes that hit Mississippi and Arkansas. Insurance experts estimate $150 million in improvements.

And let's not forget San Francisco's unemployed dot-commers. Techies there hold up signs that say, "Will download for food."

And, of course, there are the miseries along the Mason-Dixon. How about two winners for the title of Miss North Carolina? When Al Gore heard this, he said: "They can do that?!"

It's the last weekend. The political fervor will be winding down. Soon our country can devote itself to our next generation's leaders - Streisand and Schwarzenegger. Before announcing his run for governor, The Terminator plans two less violent movies. He'll play the father of eight in "The Germinator." In the second, look for a kinder gentler Arnold as "Conan the Librarian."

As for Yentl, her 2002 Iraqi war protesting is much mellower than those 1960s Vietnam days. Instead of burning draft cards, she's sautéing them with a little white wine and cilantro. This is to clue her on a piece of information that I, alone, possess. I hear that if U.N. inspectors go back on the job in Baghdad, to show good faith, Saddam will present them with keys to the city. Unfortunately, that city is Malibu.

Can such back-stabbing, rat-eating, vermin-infested rhetoric of these real-life reality "Survivor" campaigns be what our forefathers Georgie Washington, Tommy Paine, little Johnny Hancock and Benjie Franklin, had in mind? I only know that under the new Voter Registration Act, 11 million people signed up to vote last year at the Department of Motor Vehicles. There'd have been more, but 500,000 died while waiting in line.