review: Ancient Chinese secrets.

February 16, 2000

Series Relic Hunter

Episode Emperor's Bride

Airing Date 2000-02-13

Sci-fi Bits Booby traps! Ancient artifacts! High adventure!

Juicy Bits Booby traps! (Hmm, I'm getting in trouble for that one)

Featuring Tia Carrere as Professor Sydney Fox Christian Anholt as Nigel Bailey Lindy Booth as Claudia

Ta-ta-ta-Tia! Go ahead, sing it just like the old Chia Pet song. You know, Cha-cha-cha-Chia! Ta-ta-ta-Tia! It's fun!

Ahem. Anyway, this week's Relic Hunter is about finding an ancient mummy from China in, of all places, Alaska. I'm not quite sure why, but that's where it is since the boat it was in really, really took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Still, it's a nice change of pace since the show's been hanging out in warmer climes lately. Yup, that Tia and her minx-y secretary were just showing too much skin, what with all the beach weather lately. I'm sure all the men in America were with me in thinking, "Gee, I'd really like to see what these good-looking women look like in several layers of long-johns and flannels! If only those models would wear some higher collars and full petticoats!"

Still, that's not why we watch the show, right? Who needs skin when you've got tunnels. Mile after mile of endless tunnels, stretching out as far as the eye can see. The one in this week's episode is filled with Indiana Jones-type booby traps that shoot darts, at least, as well as Indiana Jones-type guys in fedoras. That's something. Well, at least they've gotten plenty of use out of that cave set.

So, the gang heads off to the land of cheap cruises in search of that mummy I mentioned, only they aren't the only ones looking for it. Ever since an Alaskan professor found a piece of jade which is a key to the mummy's whereabouts, every Relic Hunter worth his mettle comes out of the woodwork to find it. Well, two guys, at any rate. You can easily tell them apart because one's an evil Indiana Jones look-alike (all he needs is a goatee to complete the illusion) and the other's vaguely Eastern European. Or maybe Australian. I couldn't really tell, which might be his fault a lot more than mine. They fight Tia amidst wacky adventures and brush Nigel away like the ineffectual little guy he is.

I must say, the Nigel/Sydney thing is actually working quite well. Nigel can't admit that he's madly in love with her and she can't see that she doesn't need a rugged manly man when she's got a wimpy British guy at home (read his "letter to his mum" on the Relic Hunter site for the full idea). I was never into the standard TV Moonlighting-type thing, but it's going pretty well here. The show is fun, it's not deep, there's some adventure, some thrills, and a little romance.

Sydney and Nigel explore -- yes! -- another tunnel.

Plus very large women. Just one, actually, and she's a really tall, woodsy woman Nigel runs into in Alaska. It was fun to see Nigel so intimidated by a different woman than Sydney. Sure, she turns out to be evil and after the relics, but at least there's another tough woman on the show, you can never have too many.

Now I'm just waiting for Claudia to start taking some tae-bo and learn some kicks. You can never have too many Tomb Raiders -- er, Relic Hunters. Damn, I've got to stop doing that.

--Rob Trevino always prefers women in sweaters.

Past Relic Hunter Reviews

Irish Crown Affair
Myth Maze
The Book of Love
Transformation
Thank You Very Much
Flag Day
The Headless Nun
Smoking Gun
Buddha Bowl

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