review: Tia Carrere: Ready, Willing, and Sable?

March 1, 2000

Series Relic Hunter

Episode Nine Lives

Airing Date 2000-02-20

Sci-fi Bits Magic cat statues and Rena Mero's gravity-defying bodice.

Juicy Bits Nigel's new boyfriend -- really!

Featuring Tia Carrere as Professor Sydney Fox Christian Anholt as Nigel Bailey Lindy Booth as Claudia Rena Mero as Elizabeth

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later, but this episode Nigel finally gets a boyfriend. Sure, the-artist-formerly-known-as-Sable, Rena Mero, shows up, but the big news is Nigel's burgeoning love affair with another man. Well, sort of.

I didn't expect too much from Relic Hunter this week (it's usually better not too when it comes to syndication), but having Rena Mero (yes, she used to be the WWF's champion wrestler, Sable -- call her that now, though, and you get nasty calls from her publicist, though) on was something I thought would be fun. Especially since she would be playing a not-quite-all-there antiquities curator who thinks she can bring back an ancient Egyptian god. Yes, not since King Tut from the original Batman series has a villain looked so goofy next to a sarcophagus. Then again, King Tut wasn't so developed in the pectoral region. Hmm…

Still, the whole crazy curator/Rena Mero thing wasn't all that great. The leaps of logic and plot holes one had to take and jump over to make it through this episode would wear Jesse Owens out (hey, an Olympics reference seven months early!), which wouldn't be a problem at all if they were at least funny or something. Instead, the whole Egyptian business is a bit wearing and, if I have to be honest and nasty (which I am, in fact, paid to be), Rena's acting isn't quite up to snuff. This should've been some campy romp but instead she kind of pulls a sphinx and looks a bit uptight through the whole thing. Still, she hasn't done much acting yet, so perhaps if she makes it back on the show (she survives her foiled plot to destroy an ancient artifact, sacrifice Nigel, and resurrect an ancient God) we can look forward to a bit more vamp and a little less Professor. After all, how seriously can you really act when you've got enough cleavage to fit the whole Giza Pyramid into? Seriously, I'm not trying to be a dog here, but I've never seen a human look so much like a "bad girl" comic book character before. They defy gravity! They're perfectly round! English scientists use them to calibrate their instruments! Bow before them! Sorry about that, they're a little overpowering, that's all.

"Get your own show, Rena!" "My own show is coming, Tia, it's called The Consultants!"

As I said before, though, the best part of this episode is meeting a new friend of Sydney's. As we should know by now, all of Sydney's friends are either ex-lovers or evil relic thieves (usually they're both). Lagerfeld, though, is more of just a shady art dealer, really, but man, has he got a wandering eye. It seems he's got an eye for Nigel, though, which is going to certainly cause him a little more English consternation. The best point of which is when Lagerfeld and Nigel are tied back-to-back to chairs about to be sacrificed and Lagerfeld thinks the whole thing is just some kind of elaborate S&M role-playing game. Nigel gets his fill of playing "handsies" pretty damn quick and when the episode ends with Nigel and Lagerfeld heading off to a surprise date at the art museum (Nigel is shocked and mortified, of course, but isn't quite sure what the proper British thing to do is), you just want to give them a pinch, they're so cute!

Tina checks out Rena's Playboy spread.

All right, so nothing will happen and Nigel's not really gay (or is he? Dun, dun, DUN!), but the whole thing is played just right, for laughs without being too offensive to anyone. Now, what the show needs now is some Sable/Tia action, that would be a win-win situation for everyone.

Except Nigel, maybe.

--Rob Trevino is seriously considering "Amsterdam Prostitute" for this Halloween.

Past Relic Hunter Reviews

Afterlife and Death
Emperor's Bride
Irish Crown Affair
Myth Maze
The Book of Love
Transformation
Thank You Very Much
Flag Day
The Headless Nun
Smoking Gun
Buddha Bowl

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